Greetings,
Well my darling Johnny is still here!
And we have February 2015 just around the corner! Joy oh Joy.
Given the doctors gave him three months last July 2014 to live, told Johnny to get his life in order, he has so defied all. The strong support from you, our friends, the kind and honest phone calls the emails, taking Johnny out for those wonderful boat cruises the gatherings and invites for supper, the lunches and most of all your constant kind friendship. We have all strived to keep Johnny's motivation and moral strong.
Johnny told me over Christmas, "I had envisioned my passing to be from something far extreme from a sporting accident off Mont Blanc, taking a sharp turn on a waterski slalom here on the lagoon or trekking in the remotest parts of India. But not from Pancreatic Stage 4 Cancer". "I am a logical man, I analyze everything, I picture everything in my mind, a vision a story. Life is a story picturing me with cancer was not part of the fairytale, I wanted to give you Michelle". That night and many nights after I cried and cried, bawled my eyes out. "Little One we were supposed to grow old together" he said.
Our new regime of chemo for Johnny is Abraxaine and Gembitcine, given via a drip into his vein. No more chest ports. Side affects not as brutal, Johnny is able to bounce back within a few days. Not as harsh as the previous regime. Although with Johnny's immune system, we still have to protect. Last week Johnny's WBC (White Blood Count), was too low, three daily injections of "Neupogen" were administered. Neupogen stimulates the blood system (bone marrow), which gives the body a massive boost to the body, to make white blood cells, to be able to prevent, fight off any infections should they arise during the cancer treatment. Chemo regime is three weeks on one week off. It is so nice not to have to go the Marin Cancer Centre for a week. The feeling of yuck and turmoil inside my body as we walk in, let alone Johnny's emotional feelings, I watch every week as he sits in the doctors office, as part of the protocol before each chemo session. A read out of his weekly "Lab Results", "Temperature - Check", "Blood Pressure - Check", "Weight - Check". The nurse repeats the results out loud, looking towards me as I detail all information given, into my "Health Diary" for Johnny. She knows I want to know every scrawny-skinny detail.
We rarely go out, as he still has a short window of energy, sometimes to think and process takes time, the mornings are the hardest. It takes Johnny a long time to get going, waking up with pain in his tummy, exhausted from the night sweats, the constant linen changes, as he sits on the couch with the puppies staring out onto the lagoon, nervously I watch him, monitor him, give him the appropriate medication that he requires, the injection for his blood clot, all on a tray with an assortment of small breakfast dishes of choice. Keeping him warm reassured and loved.
Johnny's bones are cold, his hands, finger-tips are always cold to the touch, he has to wear several layers of clothing and now gloves. Whereupon before he was sick Johnny was my hot water bottle my radiator of heat!
With this chemo Johnny will undoubtedly lose his golden locks. I bought six fabulous slouchy beanies all of different textures and colors. "Little One", he asks "why can't you just buy one" he asks, "well it's like buying shoes, you buy one pair you have to buy another". Hah I need to get him some woolen/leather gloves too.
One of the many hardest things we struggle with, is eating. We all chew rather too quickly, schnuck our food down probably a little too quickly, don't we? We drink fluids, glugging so, in a refreshing way. We sip our fine wines, and allow to travel down our throat setting off our palettes with the wonderful mélange of flavors. With Johnny, it's painful, excruciating, agonizing to watch, he has to have small platefuls of food, tiny baby forkfuls of food, he chews and chews, slowly, then chews again and chews again, slowly, in order that he can swallow easily. The thought of eating is not something he relishes, he actually grimaces about eating, let alone all the colorful pills he has to swallow. We used to be such food snobs, dining at wonderful restaurants, wine tasting with divine food pairings. And now . . . . . .
The intake of his pain medication has increased significantly of late. We do our utmost to stay on top of the pain beat the pain any sign of pain.
Johnny has been busy - not busy in the way people say "take a trip" "sell up" "go travel". "Go do what you want to do". "Go Live" To know Johnny, you have to understand, he has travelled around the world, lived in many remote parts of the world, several - several times over. Who can say they drove a truck through Iran in the 70's who can say they rode bareback camel in the desert, trekked through the Himalayans and so much more. Johnny will tell you himself when he writes the next blog. What is Johnny busy with you ask - the final finishing's and completion of our home.
Please keep up with the emails johnnypye@yahoo.com or phone calls, he does enjoy hearing from you, albeit in small energy doses.
