Friends and Friends,
The chemo is not working we are told today, no more chemo. No more wretched regimes of chemo.
The cancer is growing the chemo cannot fight the cancer, the pancreatic cancer. Its just not working.
Shocked we look at each other.
Tomorrow we have a CT Scan for complete results but our CA/19's are now in their thousands. They should be less than 100. Odd that it is, Johnny and I have had a fabulous 10 days, he has been eating, no pain, we were up and flying oblivious that he had cancer. Oblivion helps us, denial a bubble?
My eyes are red raw, the tears tumble with emptiness that envelopes me, this afternoon one is sad, at a loss and lonely, I feel tremendous, heartache, pain, distraught, but how can I be so selfish? it's my husband my darling Johnny, his health is in rapid decline. His body is so very sick, I cannot be weak, I have to be strong, resilient to all, to support him be that pillar of strength that warrior in me that he needs.
But there comes a time when the barriers break, the waves are crashing and now my inners walls are in ruination. I feel I cannot cope, I want to hide, bury myself, deep within the blankets of fluffy darkness, but I can't, I have to be strong for my darling Johnny. To be alone, with no husband, friend, no partner no lover no partner no laughter, it's coming the darkness.
Remember, to please send Johnny your love and kind words, a video, a laughter, a joke a memory a story. It makes him feel alive and know that you do care and are sending him wishes and thoughts. johnnypye@yahoo.com
With love
Michelle & Johnny
2 comments:
Hun, I am so sorry! there is nothing I can say to make things better for you other than you both occupy my thoughts often and I wish you strength.
x
Alex
Mel and I are always thinking of you, Johnny, and sending Positive thoughts. So glad you have the wonderful doggies and marvelous Michelle. We are so glad to have met her. You have always been there for us and we want to do all we can do for you , you know. So, if you are up to it and the weather gets better, the offer is still there, you know...
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