I share with you my inner personal turmoil of thoughts and emotions.
On the 3rd July, 2014,
my Johnny, had been diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer. It’s been such a struggle, a slap in the
face. My best friend, my husband
of five years, my mate, my everything since I was eighteen years of age. An emotional, heartbreaking rollercoaster, a trilogy of exhaustive
questions, too much google, giving one hope and dreams, only to be shattered in
a nano of second, in that search to find an answer to Pancreatic Cancer. There is no answer, there is no
cure. A barrage of questions to doctors, nurses, and friends, questions answers to answers and if we don’t hear the
right answer one goes to another doctor to get another answer. Searching, questioning, you have to be
your own advocate, there is no one out there to do it for you. You are out there to search yourself. How is this possible? You are a doctor
tell me what do to – where do I go to who should I speak to please help me? I am at your mercy.
Medication, should one stick
with Western Medicine or Eastern Medicine, should we see Tibetan
doctors should we meet this physic.
Whom can help us rid us of this toxin in his body? One will try the world for Johnny Pye at the young age
of 57 it’s unjust. Is this a trick
pinch me and I will be good I
promise.
To watch an alert spirit as Johnny’s slowly become less
energetic less interested in life and such. His brain is alert, but watching him you can see he is
trying to figure should a round head go in square head? How should I design this bathroom,
where should the lights go on this wall or that wall? He ponders so much more
than usual.
As he stares into space, one watches him quietly - silently, from
a far, trying not to be seen by him but wondering where he is – what is he
thinking what land is he in, is he Ok? I dare to ask “Darling are you OK, for fear of being left
out of his thinking world. I so
want to be part of his thinking if only to help him, appease him of the
questions and fear he is going through. As surely he is scared, but I have to be strong for
him. I am his guardian his gatekeeper.
His little one.
Friends come and go whilst visiting
him – he sits, listens and digests their comments – we await to hear what he
will say in return, those silent unspoken words and empty spaces are there,
unspeakable, I interject with a
laughable comment to help break the silence, the moment. Try to help our friends – “it’s not you”
– "but our Johnny is thinking deep inside within his soul". He is tired of talking, tired of
thinking. He wants and needs
silence. My darling I promise I
shall give you that peace you so desire.
He works religiously only to
clean up those loose ends.
Ensuring he has time to leave a tidy book.
He loves his showroom Bentleys Home Design, the clients the creativeness
the energy and design. Helping his
clients create their dream home.
And now he has to leave behind.
Close it down leave it be. To
now focus on his wife, me, Michelle, home and animals. That is his ultimate end.
Johnny’s life has been one long
chapter of events. He travelled
fruitlessly throughout the world, looking for that final piece for his chapter
of life. I feel, I gave it to
him. The joy, the harmony the love
and contentment, fulfillment and most of all happiness. Johnny lived life on the edge; he
practically tippled on the edge of life with a happy laughter and twinkle of a
smile. He did life, he embraced
life, he lived life and whomever came across in this path of travel, Johnny was kind opinionated,
but passionate to them, he had a big heart and cared for people. A thought comes to mind.
We were in the city parked our
car and had lunch. As we left the
restaurant, we were nearly given a ticket, thankfully this did not happen, but
what did Johnny do, he proceeded to check all meters and cars and topped them up
in order that the cars did not expire and get ticketed! A true heart a gentle heart.
This evening, we sit outside in
our garden – in our white Bubble Lounge watching the water, the skiers and
boaters, seated, cuddled
together but it feels as though we are a million miles apart – both preoccupied
with our own thoughts from today’s doctors appointment. I long to cling to him, I yearn to hold
him but he sits alienated in the corner, in the cushioned Bubble Lounge, sits
and thinks, I watch him – he is a zillion miles away from me – where is he? I
wonder how can I get there to be with him in his mind and soul. He holds me, he holds me
close but I need to feel him so much closer we have the barrier a wall it’s the
cancer the tumor how does one get to be “closer than close” when a tumor is in
the way?
Thursday 24th July, 2014
